Thursday, July 29, 2010

Your world today, according to CNN

Here at Jett's News, we have a strong distaste for the mainstream media - particularly CNN. As pioneers of the 24-hour news cycle, the so called "worldwide leader in news" changed the way information and "news" is reported forever.
Thanks to Ted Turner's "vision," we now live in a media culture in which news and/or controversy must be created to maintain the interest of the viewer/reader for as long as possible. Sadly, "breaking news" has become none other than a transition back into programming from a commercial break. And as other mainstream outlets have followed suit, we are subjcted to idiocy and lunacy from people like Glenn Beck and Rachel Maddow.

Fortunately, the new media culture also makes for some entertaining and indeed head-scratching headlines. Each week, we plan to highlight this by focusing on the ridiculous stories that CNN considers "news."

As such, we bring you, "Your world today, according to CNN:"

- Apparently new cell phones are just getting too big for pant pockets. Thankfully, Levis and Apple are jointly developing a line of jeans called "iAsspockets."

- Winston Churchill's false teeth just sold for $23,000. Do I even need to comment on this one?

- Anthrax killed 82 people in Uganda. And I when I say people, I mean, uh, hippos.

Swear Words are Out at Goldman Sachs; Wily Trader is 'Ticked Off”



Bollocks!

New York – The Wall Street Journal reports today that investment bank Goldman Sachs has issued a ban on profanity in firm communications. The ban follows embarassing e-mails released during an SEC investigation earlier this year that had senior Goldmanites describing a transaction as a “sh**ty deal.” The restriction has hit the firm's sweaty, money-grubbing traders especially hard. One veteran trader commented after getting raped on a transaction, “fiddlesticks! Soddin' fiddlesticks!”

A Goldman Sachs representative noted, “those who are unable to comply will find their tenure at the firm curtailed. It is in our best interest to keep those bow-wows at the SEC assuaged in order to continue fuc – I mean, serving our clients.” It is expected other firms will follow Goldman's lead.

A Train

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Report shows Capital Goods Orders increased in US; Nobody Cares.


Man gives rat's ass

Washington - In what is surely the latest attempt to stem the flow of bleak economic news coming out of Washington, Bloomberg.com reports that “orders for non-military capital equipment excluding aircraft but including middle range light heavy machinery climbed 0.6 percent last month after jumping 4.6 percent in May.” It was not disclosed that orders for non-military aircraft fell almost 25% in the same period.

According to a survey of local unemployed workers, 8% said this headline was “good news,” while one man in the dissenting 92% noted, “What the #$#% are capital goods orders and why should I give a rat's ass?”**

In related news, Washington plans to release jobs data for Tuesday night shift retail workers tomorrow. Almost nobody except some Morgan Stanley analyst seems to care.

**In the interest of full disclosure, the gentleman mentioned he recently gave a rat's ass to a colleague in exchange for a half-eaten bologna sandwich thereby implying a nominal value for a rat's ass.

A Train

BREAKING NEWS: Ad agency intern fired for drinking whiskey, smoking in office

Was just trying to fit in

New York, NY - A 22 year old intern at a prominent Madison Avenue advertising agency was fired yesterday for insubordinate behavior after drinking whiskey and lighting a cigarette at a recent staff meeting. The latest incident follows an earlier confrontation with the company CEO, in which the intern reportedly mistook her for an office receptionist and asked her to “clear my schedule for the afternoon, sweetheart.”

In a statement released by the agency this morning, VP of HR Christina Scott noted, “As a reputable advertising agency, we do not tolerate substance abuse or sexual harassment in the workplace. We simply don’t understand where this kid gets the notion that this kind of behavior is acceptable on Madison Avenue."

While the disgraced intern was not available for comment, a former colleague reported that he was “just trying to fit in” and wanted to give an “impression of success.”

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Ousted BP CEO Hayward looks to diversify resume by creating Siberian environmental disaster


Hopes to work with Obama in second term

New Orleans – In his last interview as BP Chief Executive yesterday, Tony Hayward discussed his excitement at taking on the challenge of creating new environmental disasters in other parts of the world: “While overseeing the Deep Horizon oil spill has certainly been a pleasure, my work here is done. I’m really looking forward to doing my part in destroying the pristine tundra of Russian Siberia in the coming years.”

When pressed further on his motivation for moving to Russia and any future plans, Hayward explained, “I believe this opportunity gives me the chance to show the world I am capable of killing humans and wildlife wherever I go. As for future plans, I would love to work with President Obama in his second term on finding other areas of the US to destroy.”

Goldman’s Blankfein puts SEC fine on his debit card


Incorrectly enters PIN


New York, NY - After months of negotiations, Wall Street giant Goldman Sachs settled fraud allegations and agreed to a $550 million fine from the Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC).


Upon agreement on the settlement, Goldman CEO Lloyd Blankfein asked SEC boss Mary Schapiro if “they take debit cards?” Schapiro admitted she was unclear as to the agency’s policies regarding forms of payment, but later ensured Blankfein, “credit or debit would be fine.” After incorrectly entering his PIN number twice, Blankfein was able to put the full $550 million amount on his debit card and finally put the incident to rest.


- A-Train


Obama stumbles in Oval Office, goes for fake layup

Claims, “I was fouled”

President Obama unexpectedly tripped upon entering the Oval Office for a cabinet briefing this morning, before leaping into the air for a pretend layup and exclaiming, “And One!” to the amazement of his advisors.

While the immediate cause of his loss of balance was not known, Cabinet members and their deputies were impressed with his coolness under pressure. Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsak noted, “Any other person would have fallen flat on their face after tripping like that. We were simply amazed at the President’s ability to maintain his balance and go for the fake layup. I personally thought he was fouled, but I don’t want to rush into judgement over the call.”