Swear Words are Out at Goldman Sachs; Wily Trader is 'Ticked Off”

Bollocks!

New York – The Wall Street Journal reports today that investment bank Goldman Sachs has issued a ban on profanity in firm communications. The ban follows embarassing e-mails released during an SEC investigation earlier this year that had senior Goldmanites describing a transaction as a “sh**ty deal.” The restriction has hit the firm's sweaty, money-grubbing traders especially hard. One veteran trader commented after getting raped on a transaction, “fiddlesticks! Soddin' fiddlesticks!”

A Goldman Sachs representative noted, “those who are unable to comply will find their tenure at the firm curtailed. It is in our best interest to keep those bow-wows at the SEC assuaged in order to continue fuc – I mean, serving our clients.” It is expected other firms will follow Goldman's lead.

A Train

Goldman’s Blankfein puts SEC fine on his debit card

Incorrectly enters PIN

New York, NY - After months of negotiations, Wall Street giant Goldman Sachs settled fraud allegations and agreed to a $550 million fine from the Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC).

Upon agreement on the settlement, Goldman CEO Lloyd Blankfein asked SEC boss Mary Schapiro if “they take debit cards?” Schapiro admitted she was unclear as to the agency’s policies regarding forms of payment, but later ensured Blankfein, “credit or debit would be fine.” After incorrectly entering his PIN number twice, Blankfein was able to put the full $550 million amount on his debit card and finally put the incident to rest.

- A-Train