Ousted BP CEO Hayward looks to diversify resume by creating Siberian environmental disaster

Hopes to work with Obama in second term

New Orleans – In his last interview as BP Chief Executive yesterday, Tony Hayward discussed his excitement at taking on the challenge of creating new environmental disasters in other parts of the world: “While overseeing the Deep Horizon oil spill has certainly been a pleasure, my work here is done. I’m really looking forward to doing my part in destroying the pristine tundra of Russian Siberia in the coming years.”

When pressed further on his motivation for moving to Russia and any future plans, Hayward explained, “I believe this opportunity gives me the chance to show the world I am capable of killing humans and wildlife wherever I go. As for future plans, I would love to work with President Obama in his second term on finding other areas of the US to destroy.”

Obama stumbles in Oval Office, goes for fake layup

Claims, “I was fouled”

President Obama unexpectedly tripped upon entering the Oval Office for a cabinet briefing this morning, before leaping into the air for a pretend layup and exclaiming, “And One!” to the amazement of his advisors.

While the immediate cause of his loss of balance was not known, Cabinet members and their deputies were impressed with his coolness under pressure. Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsak noted, “Any other person would have fallen flat on their face after tripping like that. We were simply amazed at the President’s ability to maintain his balance and go for the fake layup. I personally thought he was fouled, but I don’t want to rush into judgement over the call.”